People should think before they speak

People say I’m heartless when I say I never want kids. But lets think about this logically,
1) I was pregnant at 15.
2) my boyfriend who was not the father was emotionally abusive toward me before I fell pregnant.
3) when I fell pregnant, it wasn’t planned, I lost my virginity to prove a point to said emotional abuser.
4) I was diagnosed with depression during my pregnancy.
5) I misscarried at 19 weeks, 6 days after finding out the sex of my baby.
6) my depression got worse due to my boyfriend telling me it was my fault my baby died and became physically abusive to ‘teach me a lesson’
7) after a while my boyfriend became sexually abusive because he craved a baby.
8) when we were unable to conceive, hr cheated on me and broke up with me.
9) between then and now I have made 3 suicide attempts and have had councilling for self harm as well as mega doses of anti depressants.

I don’t want kids because I’m scared that if I do, all of those memories and feelings will come running back to me and my depression will kick in again, just as I’m getting better. What kind of mother would that make me, if I became a suicidal wreck. So really I’m doing for the children I will never have.

You…

I dunno why but, I want you to look at me one day and realise you’re still in love with me.
I want you to not tell me for ages. I want it to come out in the most dramatic way possible.
I want to turn you down. Tell you we may have had something once but not any more.
I want to tell you that you had your chance and you blew it.
I want to tell you we will never be more than friends.
And I want you to be gutted and heartbroken.
And I want you to cry your eyes out.
Just like I did when you told me that “we can only ever be friends. Its easier this way”